again and again
by Montley
Summary: Every time Severus breathes, it's as though a piece of his soul is leaving his body. Then when he's empty, his soul comes rushing back to feel the pain of life once again arising within him, destroying his mind and his unfortunately ever-lasting heart.


again and again

By Montley

i

Every time Severus breathes, it's as though a piece of his soul is leaving his body. Then when he's empty, his soul comes rushing back to feel the pain of life once again arising within him, destroying his mind and his unfortunately ever-lasting heart. And it'll begin again and again and never cease again and again and again until that hopeful day when maybe his breath will give out. His heart is broken, and his mind is wounded.

In freedom, most people find sin, thus, his whole entire existence was a sin against nature. It was unnatural, a fact that people would always remind him of. He was not worth it, he was flawed and hideous, and it was a wonder that a flawed human such as him could exist. Thus his freedom should be utterly vanquished.

For… who could ever love a beast?

ii

The day he was born he can easily say was the worst day of his existence, and he doesn't even remember it. He hates it because he was brought unto this pitiful Earth to suffer in pure silence, only to drone and moan to himself, only living and only breathing to keep his consciousness standing.

His father and his mother constantly fought and battled against one another. He had hoped for his mother to conquer his troll of a father; to him, she was magical, inside and out, while his father was a horrid brute with fists of steel and blackness emanating from his core.

He wishes that his mother had never met his father; maybe then she could have been happy and alive, and maybe then, he wouldn't have to exist in this terrible reality.

iii

Then she came bumbling into his life with her scorching, flaming red locks, bouncing against the wind, her shamrock, green eyes full of happiness and jubilance that he had never witnessed before in his life. She gave him hope most of all, for the coming future and for his ultimate end. Now, because of her and her addicting smile, he believed that maybe he _can_ grow old and happy, with his father long dead and buried six feet below the ground where he belongs to rot for the rest of eternity.

And everything is like a dream at the time, for she is magical, like him and like his mother, whose smile barely flickers upon her face anymore. To him this new girl is beautiful, a ray of sunshine in his normally cold, dark universe.

He became high on her and her pure existence, ushering in light and beauty. A light and beauty he never experienced, so that through the remainder of his childhood, he was high on life.

And she is Lily, and she is perfect.

iv

There was always someone or something in his way and that something was Potter, the boy's blood may be pure, but in his eyes, Severus could see the filth that existed within him the moment that they met on the Hogwarts Express. And from Potter's face, he could tell that he thought the same of him, the unfortunate soul who was cursed upon this life reminiscent of hell, now crumbling from its seams.

v.

The only light still remained to be _Lily_, the most beautiful girl in existence. She was there with him throughout their years together at Hogwarts. She never ceased to defend him against Potter and his cronies, especially Black, who thought he was so goddamn special since he was the first Black to be sorted outside Slytherin and into Gryffindor. To him though, Slytherin was far superior to all of the other, small, simple-minded houses because his mother had been in it, and he was glad Black was not tainting and ruining his first, real home.

If only his mother could be here, young and fresh again, newly released into the world to have a better life without him and his father. Perhaps, she could have met a different kind of man, a magical man who would have treated her right and make her feel special and beautiful, or she could have been independent, living life the way that she always dreamed.

He knew that he would always treat Lily as a delicate flower, and never force her to do anything, and never allow her to be tainted like his mother had been. She would forever remain her beautiful self, and she would always have a choice, a thing that his mother never experienced.

vi.

It is strange how quickly a person can succumb to darkness. Severus had preferred the times when the other Slytherins would leave him alone, and he could drown his pathetic sorrows into another book or a potion. Then, they began speaking with him. At first, he reveled in the attention that he had craved for as long as he lived, the type of attention that only Lily had given him up until that moment when Rosier smirked at him. They taught him new things, and now his eyes glinted black, and he unknowingly pushed Lily away, her bright light avoiding his black hole.

The words that left his mouth became cruel and vicious, and the spells that left his wand now left an irreparable trace that would slaughter and maim one's soul like a Dementor kissing an innocent being.

And once those words left like a breeze in the wind out of the cold caress of his mouth, it was all over. Lily's face sank, and for a moment, her ever-lasting light was gone. He had gone too far with that damned cursed word, _Mudblood, _it was ruined and it was tainted.

His black hole had finally sucked him in.

vii.

There was nothing that he could do. She loathed and despised him, and yet, he still loved and adored her. Her flaming, red hair would still bounce in the halls, but instead of being with him, she would disappear with the messy jet-black hair he had come to detest.

He had never felt more lonely and deprived since the moment she left him. It was when he began to feel cold and dead. Forever alone in this desperate, yearning world. So he allowed the other Slytherins to fully take him in, and induct him within their group which strove to rid people like Lily.

vii.

So he remained, alone, desperate and distraught, tired of seeing bursts of green light from other's wands, tired of the longing, and tired of the fight. He wished for it all to end more than he had wished for anything.

But all magic, comes with a price. And that price was Lily's life. It was a price that drained her bright, green eyes of all of its light, and consequently murdered Severus.

_No one would ever compare to that girl who had been so fair. _

ix.

The beast died along with her that fateful day, living out the rest of his sixteen years as an automaton, barely able to function, and never able to utter any niceties.

Then his body died, a snake ripping out his veins, and his cold, ruby red blood staining the floor.

_Her _son came, and he was finally able to see _her _bright, green eyes one last time.

x.

_"Always."_

* * *

**This was for the Quidditch Competition: Round 13. **

**Prompts: 1. High 13. "In freedom, most people find sin."- John Green, The Fault In Our Stars 14. Flaw**


End file.
